Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Pope Adolph I

Whew. The cardinals chose Ratzinger, the former member of the Hitler Youth, as the new pope.


Ratzinger was John Paul II's doctrinal Luca Brasi, sent to whack anyone who didn't strictly abide by church doctrine as the head of the Congregation for the Doctrine of Faith. Ratzinger also made some nasty sex scandals go away and protected pedophile priests from investigation or punishment.

As a recovering Roman Catholic, I can't say that I'm disappointed or surprised by the choice of Pope Adolph I. John Paul got some good press, especially after his death, but let's face it: the church is run by a bunch of homophobic, misogynistic criminals who would be in jail if they had been running a public school system instead of the largest church in the world. And John Paul, in the words of Andrew Sullivan, "presided over the rape of thousands of children by his own priests...and protected the chief enabler of the abuse in the U.S, Cardinal Law, and used the occasion of his own church's failing to blame homosexuals in general for the abuse." So why not follow up the John Paul enabling years with the authoritarian dictatorship of a former member of the Nazi Party who will threaten you with excommunication and deny you the sacrament of communion if you don't toe his strict doctrinal line, as he did to John Kerry last year.

Of course there is always the chance that everybody is wrong about the reactionary nature of Ratzinger. Maybe the new pope will turn out to be a reformer, like John XXIII.

Well, Pope Adolph I called homosexuality a "moral disorder" which "prevents one's own fulfillment and happiness by acting contrary to the creative wisdom of God." In other words, God created the penis for the vagina, every sperm is sacred, don't spill your seed on that leather bondage boy and so forth. This doesn't sound too reform-minded to me, especially since so many of his own priests suffer from this "moral disorder."

Pope Adolph I also wants Turkey kept out of the European Union because he believes Europe should remain essentially a Christian continent. You know, racial purity, keep the heathens out and so forth. This doesn't sound too reform-minded to me either.

And of course Pope Adolph I also hates "feminism" because it makes women adversaries of men. You know, barefoot and pregnant, speak when spoken to, what do you mean you're having an independent thought and so forth. Again, reform-minded? Not so much.

I wonder if George W. Bush will appoint Pope Adolph I to the Supreme Court to replace Rehnquist when he retires later this year. That would surely be one way to pack the Court with a conservative and keep Democrats from filbustering the pick. I mean, how do you filibuster the pope? And Pope Adolph I would certainly fit in with Bush's conservative philosophy: bash gay people, crusade against Islam, etc.

Plus Scalia and Thomas could use another buddy for the Opus Dei meetings they attend every week, right? I mean, how often can you hang out with Mel Gibson?

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