Sunday, July 02, 2006
You Gonna Smoke That?
Posted in full, here's a column from one of my favorite writers, Lenore Skenazy of the NY Daily News:
Questions: How large a federal government subsidy did R. J. Reynolds receive for developing the Jolly Rancher candied cigarette? Will the "Kool Ranch Doritos" contain partially hydrogenated soybean oil or that fake oil that gives you diarrhea? And can Marion Barry flog his own "Very Barry Juiced Juice" on the TV without violating the terms of his parole?
God I love this country! Happy July Fourth everybody!!!
Gimme one pack of candy cigs, hold the candy
A "Beach Breezer" sounds yummy, and it is: A watermelon-flavored cigarette from the folks at R.J. Reynolds Tobacco.
Not that they're trying to target kids or anything.
Shame on you for such a cynical thought! Just because these are the same people who brought us Joe Camel and then insisted he was never supposed to appeal to kids does not mean we shouldn't believe them when they insist their watermelon cig is not supposed to appeal to kids, either. It's for the sophisticated palate of Jolly Rancher-loving grownups, thank you very much. And so is Reynolds' pina-colada flavored cigarette, and its berry flavored butt, too. As for the colorful packaging: since when is it a crime to make cigarette packaging cheerful?
Look, it is probably just one of those weird coincidences that after almost a decade of decline, the number of kids who smoke started creeping up again in 2005, a year after advertising for the fruity smokes spread like cancer.
Sorry. Bad choice of words. What I mean is, how dare two former secretaries of health suggest that this rise might be attributable to the tasty cigs? And yet, that's just what they've done! Last week, Joseph Califano and Louis Sullivan wrote a report that called the flogging of these new flavors "child abuse." Then, even though the marketing push seems to be slowing down already, they urged "the public, parents and state and federal officials to demand an end to it."
Why do those health nuts distrust the tobacco industry so much? When has it ever done anything to compromise its sterling reputation? Come on, guys, light up! I mean - lighTEN up. All Reynolds did was come up with a clever way of combining candy and coffin nails. Isn't that what America is all about? Innovation? If I were you, I wouldn't start to worry until we start seeing things like - well, like the stuff below.
Which, considering the success of Reynolds' brand extensions, might not be so far off. In any event, we'll know when marketers have really gone too far when our kids start whining for:
Kool Ranch Doritos: America's favorite chips, dusted with tobacco.
Coca Puffs: If you went cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, wait'll you try these!
Reefer's Pieces: Or these!
Lawbreakers: The first hard candy with a solid heroin center.
Oscar Mayer Winos: Hot dogs marinated in Gallo's best.
Gym Beam: The sports drink for when you don't get picked.
Tropicana Pure Premium Orange Juice with Valium: A great way to start the day!
Beerios: Ditto.
Nestlé's Crack: Just add pipe.
Juiced Juice: Try the Very Barry.
Crystal Meth Lite: The only powdered drink mix guaranteed to fuel a night of reckless sex.
Absolut Bubblegum: The perfect vodka to sip with a watermelon cigarette.
Questions: How large a federal government subsidy did R. J. Reynolds receive for developing the Jolly Rancher candied cigarette? Will the "Kool Ranch Doritos" contain partially hydrogenated soybean oil or that fake oil that gives you diarrhea? And can Marion Barry flog his own "Very Barry Juiced Juice" on the TV without violating the terms of his parole?
God I love this country! Happy July Fourth everybody!!!
Comments:
<< Home
OOOHHHH I love this snarky post..seriously..
I am so appalled at what the tobacco industy gets away with, and yet medicinal marijuana is illegal..just doesn't make sense to me.
I am so appalled at what the tobacco industy gets away with, and yet medicinal marijuana is illegal..just doesn't make sense to me.
Smoke 'em if you got 'em!
We used to smoke clove cigarettes when we were about 13. Why? Because they are sweet.
Hmmmmmmm........
We used to smoke clove cigarettes when we were about 13. Why? Because they are sweet.
Hmmmmmmm........
And don't forget, the gov't still subsidizes the growing of tobacco!
I love the smell of clove cigarettes actually. Reminds me of college back in the 80's when I used to hang out in the sun with the Deadheads and Headheads (Talking Heads, that is), play hacky sack, and drink Watneys Pale Ale from the tap at the Graduate Student Lounge.
I love the smell of clove cigarettes actually. Reminds me of college back in the 80's when I used to hang out in the sun with the Deadheads and Headheads (Talking Heads, that is), play hacky sack, and drink Watneys Pale Ale from the tap at the Graduate Student Lounge.
But I'm guessing you never started smoking them.
As bad as the tabacco industry is, and as bad as smoking is, I will just say this...
"It's all about choices."
As bad as the tabacco industry is, and as bad as smoking is, I will just say this...
"It's all about choices."
In those days, I used to smoke cigarettes. Newport, actually. I started smoking at the age of 13 (you could smoke in my high school, which was really a bad idea). I started with Marlboro but moved on to Newport. Newport used to give away "trial packs" of cigarettes (5 butts to a pack) during the summer at Rockaway Beach where I lived. We used to get hundreds of these trial packs and stash 'em away for the entire summer. Oh boy, good times and good smoking...
I smoked for 19 years. Pretty much stuck with Newport (I guess their ad campaign worked). I wanted to quit pretty early on, but I was a serious smoker (first thing I did in the morning, last thing I did at night). Finally in 1999 I got sick and couldn't smoke and I was able to break the habit. I used nicorette gum to quell the cravings. Eventually I was able to give up the nicorette gum and move onto to regular gum.
I don't miss cigarettes at all. I like being able to climb stairs or run 8 miles along the Hudson River without dying for breath. I wish I hadn't smoked all those years, but I had a chest x-ray done a while ago and my lungs looked pretty healthy. With any luck, I'll only lose 5 or so years off of my life.
I smoked for 19 years. Pretty much stuck with Newport (I guess their ad campaign worked). I wanted to quit pretty early on, but I was a serious smoker (first thing I did in the morning, last thing I did at night). Finally in 1999 I got sick and couldn't smoke and I was able to break the habit. I used nicorette gum to quell the cravings. Eventually I was able to give up the nicorette gum and move onto to regular gum.
I don't miss cigarettes at all. I like being able to climb stairs or run 8 miles along the Hudson River without dying for breath. I wish I hadn't smoked all those years, but I had a chest x-ray done a while ago and my lungs looked pretty healthy. With any luck, I'll only lose 5 or so years off of my life.
Well, I don't think even the enticement of watermelon flavoring could ever get me to smoke a cigarette, but Absolut flavored gum?? That would be awesome!
Post a Comment
<< Home
